A Great Day!

I had a wonderful day yesterday! I went to this beautiful Rooftop Lounge/Restaurant called 230 Fifth, that I have been wanting to go to for a long time! It had such a romatic aura to it! Candles, beautiful lighting, and great food! The person that I went with made it even better!

She's scared

She's scared
She doesn't know why she feels that way
Its something about him that makes her stomach flip
heart flutter
head feel light
That makes her hesitate
Why?
He asks?
Why?
Its because of the way he makes her feel so beautiful every time he looks into her eyes
And the way he makes her feel like she's flying when he kisses her neck
And the way he touches her in all the right places that it makes her body tingle
So why is she so scared?
Maybe it's the way she is so in love with him that she thinks that if it's not perfect he will slip away?
Maybe its because she's scared of her heart being broken?
She scared
But she doesn't no why she feels that way

Written for my first love 6 years ago.....

Haunted

I feel like i'm being haunted by the life I left behind
just when it starts to get good
the same thoughts creep back into my head
your fat....your ugly.....youll never be good enough...no one will ever love you!!!!
I wish i could control it but I cant
I cant stop the pain
I cant hide from my past....
Im trying to be good now
but the memories keep coming back
blood
smoke
tears
gunshots
screaming
evil
all coming back to me
in my thoughts....
in my dreams.....
cant seem to get rid of it
cant seem to surpress it
It wont leave..... no matter how far i go

Its been a long time!

I know its been a long time since i last blogged! I have been working so hard these past couple months! I even got a promotion! and a raise! Which is pretty good for 4 Months in a company! There have been a lot of things I have learned in the past couple of months.....

1. Trust NO ONE!
I have realized that no matter how much you think you can trust someone they can always break that trust and use it against you.
"Only trust thyself, and another shall not betray thee.” -william Penn

2.dont let anyone tell you your not good enough because in the end you always are!-Janae

3.Value Your friendships,Thats something I failed to do when I was in North Carolina. I never took the time out to call and check on them and to see how there life was going, I was always worried about all my problems, always thinking of myself. Now I wish I had those friends with me here:(

4.Work hard! It always pays off so way or another!
“A dream doesn't become reality through magic; it takes sweat, determination and hard work.”-Colin Powell

5.There is still some kindness leftthe world! The other day my sister had lost her wallet on her way to church. had everything in it (wallet, credit cards, debits card, money, social security card,etc.. she was so distrought because she would have to pay money she didnt have to get everything restored.....two days later she gets a fedex in the mail with her wallet! A lady had found the wallet in the mail and was kind enough to mail it to her. The lady didnt have to pick up the wallet and go out of her way to fedex it but she did it out of the kindness of her heart!.....I wish more people were that way!

6. Fight for what you want! Never back down.....dont stop until you get your intended result!

7. I dont need a man to make me happy. I always felt like I needed a boyfriend, but being single for the past few months has taught me alot about my self, showing me things that I never knew. I becoming stronger and stronger everyday.

I also met a guy! He is definately not the usual of guy that I date. He is so different and exciting and breath of fresh air!! Even if it never went passed friendship, I would always value his friendship. He just has this positive auror that is so refreshing and makes me want to do more.

I'm the shit!!!!

Ok! So I'm feeling my self right now!!! I got a Job!!! A job that I actually like! Is so hard! It's worth it though because I have great co-workers.Working is actually making me feel better about my self, because when I wasnt working, I felt like shit, I felt like I had no purpose what so ever, and I will find out in september whether or not I'm going to school this semester(cross your fingers). I cant wait till I can go about my BUSINESS!! Not having to worry about anything!!! I'm starting to not worrie about guys that much anymore! I know, finally. The only reason why i was really worried about them was because of my break-up, plus the fact that I'm in a totally different state, and have no friends and I was feeling like I NEEDED some one. But now I realize that I'm the SHIT

Destined to be single!

Ok....so i dont really like anyone im talking to at the moment! either their to sensitive, dumb as a box of rocks, ugly or old as hell!! Whats up with that?

To be or not to be?

WELL I JUST MET THIS GUY!!! I KNOW YOU GUYS ARE LIKE ANOTHER ONE!! BUT I THINK ITS FOR REAL THIS TIME, HE SEEMS REALLY GENUINE ABOUT HIS FEELINGS, BUT I THINK HE IS FALLING FOR ME TO FAST!!! HE'S GETTING ME ALL EXCITED ABOUT HIM AND I FEEL LIKE WHEN HE GETS TO KNOW ME MORE HE WONT FEEL THE SAME, THEN ILL BE LEFT FEELING DUMB, BUT WE WILL SEEN ONLY TIME WILL TELL.......

DATING SO FAR......SUCKS!!!!

OK, SO IVE BEEN HERE FOR LIKE TWO MONTHS AND HAVE YET TO FIND ANYONE THAT REALLY INTERESTS ME AND WHEN I DO THEY ARE ASSHOLES OF COURSE, HERE IS AN IN DEPTH DESCRIPTION OF WHAT BEEN GOING ON.....NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PRIVACY LMFAO

DATE #1: A

I MET HIM AT A CLUB HERE, I WAS DANCING AND ALL OF A SUDDEN HE STARTED MAKING FUN OF MY DANCE! I FELT INSULTED AND EMBARASSED SO I MEAN MUGGED HIM AND CONTINUED WHAT I WAS DOING, THEN HE CAME UP TO ME AND ASKED TO BUY ME A DRINK.....OF COURSE I SAID YES, AND I ENDED UP GIVING HIM MY NUMBER......MY COUSIN AND I ENDED UP GETTING TICKETS FOR A COMEDY SHOW................AND THE BOY WHO I ORIGINALLY ASKED (WHO I MET AT ANOTHER CLUB)...HAD SOMETHING GOING ON SO I CALLED A. WE HAD A WHOLE LITTLE THING PLANNED OUT WHERE WE WOULD GO EAT FIRST AND GET DRINKS BEFORE WE WENT TO THE SHOW...............BUT OF COURSE THIS FOOL DIDNT MAKE IT BECAUSE HE WAS STUCK IN TRAFFIC............WHEN WE FINALLY GOT THE THE COMEDY SHOW HE CALLED AND SAID HE WAS CLOSE AND TO STAND OUT SIDE.......HE TOLD ME TO LOOK FOR A VW BEETLE!!!!.......SO IM LOOKING AROUND EVERYWHERE AND DONT SEE ONE.....THEN HE SAYS IM IN FRONT OF YOU.......THIS FOOL WAS IN A BMW...I DIDNT KNOW WEATHER TO FEEL EXCITED OR PISSED....EXCITED CAUSE IT WAS A HOT CAR.....PISSED BECAUSE I FELT LIKE HE WAS TESTING ME LIKE I WOULD USE HIM FOR HIS MONEY OR SOMETHING!!.....ANY WAY TO MAKE A LONG STORY LONGER....WHEN HE WAS TAKING ME HOME......WE ENDED UP PASSING MY HOUSE AND ENDING UP THE THE GEORGE WASHINGTON BRIDGE....I SHOULD HAVE BEEN SCARED BUT I JUST FELT SO COMFORTABLE AROUND HIM....SO WE ENDED GOING TO HIS HOUSE, WHICH WAS REALLY NICE, WE TALKED ABOUT EVERYTHING AND LISTENED TO MUSIC....IT WAS SO ROMANTIC TO ME!!! HE LIVED IN JERSEY!!!....WHEN WE GOT TO HIS BEDROOM WE JUST LAYED ON THE BED AND TALKED UNTIL LIKE 6 IN THE MORNING...NO SEX!! ON THE WAY HOME HE HELD MY HAND....HE SEEMED SO SWEET AND ROMANTIC AT FIRST!!!!.........BUT THAT WASNT THE CASE........TURNED OUT TO BE A COCKY, SCUMBAG, ASSHOLE.....BUT FOR SOME REASON I MISS HIM.

DATE #2: B

I MET HIM THROUGH A FRIEND. HE IS A SWEET HEART!!BUT I FEEL LIKE I JUST DONT FEEL THAT SPARK OR ANYTHING WITH HIM! WE WENT TO THE MOVIES AND OUT TO EAT, BUT I DIDNT GET ANY BUTTERFLIES OR ANYTHING!! I WANT BUTTERFLIES!!!!

DATE #3: C

I MET HIM AT MACY'S IN THE POLO SECTION!!! HE SHOWED ME HOW TO GET TO THE ELEVATOR LOL, AND HE ASKED ME ON A DATE. WE DECIDED TO MEET IN TIMES SQUARE.....HE WAS LIKE 20 MINUTES LATE, ACTUALLY 40 IF YOU COUNT ME 20 MIN LATE LOL! WHEN HE CAME TO ME, HE WAS SOOO NERVOUS!!!! AND I WAS LIKE WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT CONFIDENT GUY FROM THE OTHER DAY!!! WE ENDED UP GOING TO APPLE BEE'S. WHEN WE GOT THERE, HE ASKED FOR A PLASTIC FORK, I THOUGHT THAT WAS CRAZY!!! BUT THEN HE EXPLAINED TO ME ABOUT HOW UNSANITARY IT WAS TO EAT ON THERE FORKS. AFTER DINNER HE FINALLY LOOSENED UP AND WE DECIDED TO GO SEE TRANSFORMERS (WHICH WAS REALLY GOOD). AFTER THE MOVIES WE STOOD ON THE ROOF AND TOOK PICTURES AND WE HAD ALOT OF FUN. BUT AGAIN HE DOESNT GIVE ME THAT SPARK!!!

Fantasize

The most beautiful song ive ever heard!

Closer to my Dreams

I know absolutely did not want to move to NY at first, but now i feel like i made the right choice!!! I feel like i have a better outlook on life now!! It seems so much clearer!! I got a job!! Even though it not the best, its still something and it will help me get where i need to be, closer to my dreams.

Peace Of Mind

“Success is peace of mind which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you did your best to become the best you are capable of becoming.”



I'm sitting here wondering if i will ever find peace of mind. Will my mind ever be free of all this pain, stress and anxiety? I'ts like I cant go through the day without something crazy happening adding to my list of stress. I just want one day where i can be happy and not think about anything, and my mind could be free!!! I started looking up on the internet on how to find peace of mind and here is what i came up with and my opinion on each rule.

10 commandments of Peace of mind

1.Dont interfer in other peoples business!

I feel like this is so true, i feel like sometimes im so wrapped up in other peoples problems i cant even think about my self!!!

2.Forgive and forget!

Ive actually been doing this very well lately, I used to hold grudges forever but as a get older i realize that its not worth it and not healthy to hold all this hate and animosity in your heart. "Live and Let Die"

3.Do Not crave for recognition!

i dont think that i crave for recognition? but sometimes i do want people to know who i am? kinda of confused about this one!

4.Do Not be jealous!!!

i understand this!! but how can you help it sometimes, i dont want to be jealous of people but i feel like it just comes out of me sometimes, i know if i stopped being jealous of people it would take alot off of my mind.

5.change your self according to the environment!

???no Idea how that will help???

6.Endure what cannot be cured!!

"god will it so, so be it"

7.Do not bite more that you can chew!!

I tend to do that alot but i cant help it!!! I feel like i dont know my limitations, i dont know what i cant handle.

8.Mediate Regularly!!

I have tried to so hard to meditate!! For some reason i can never clear my mind, i always have all these crazy thoughts running through my mind! It's hard to just concentrate on one thing when i have all of these problems.

9.Never leave the Mind vacant!!

" An empty mind is the devil's playground"

10.Do not procrastonate and never regret!!

Procrastination is one of my biggest flaws!! I do it all the time, even with this blog! If i wouldn't have procrastinated so much my life would be totally different!

Regret: it haunts me everyday! I wish i could take back so many things but i need to move on and start fresh and forget about the past.

Fuck em

"Fuck em"Im so much deeper than you. I deserve the best, since thats all I will give you. But you can never understand. Just stop for a minute, slow down. Think about what your doing, your headed towards the ground. Will you ever be ready to handle what comes with me... I want it extra personal, and extra spiritual. I want us to have that understanding you usually only have between you and yourself. At first I thought that I should change,but its not me, its you. Heartbroken I may be, the pain of lies and deciet. I still stand strong, because I know whats good for me. Not you, but me! I learned not to depend on anyone but myself, Though at the same time, I cant seem to escape this lonely feeling inside. It feels like I have been put out into the rain. I know that you must go through the rain before you can see the rainbow... But where does my rain end, does it end? Will I ever see the rainbow? I still hope that there is someone out there to aid to my trampled heart. Someone who will love me for who I am and keep his promise that he will always be my man. Only time will tell, but I know that right now I feel like im in jail. All I see is the same thing day in and day out, nothing that ever amazes me. I have yet to find that one thing that cheers me up inside. But what can I say? What can I do? What will he say? what will he do? How should I know that this one is true. All the rest used to say " I love you" but they were lieing just like every other dude. Im looking for that one who just lifts me up inside, never makes me cry. Tells me im his angel sent from above, and never heisitates to show me his affection and love. There is only one person out there for me.... is that you?"

by MizzUnderstood

I absolutely love this poem!!!! I feel like i can relate to it 100%

Hurt

I feel so hurt right now! I feel like ive wasted a whole year of my life!!!! I've been with my BF for one year, ive spent probably 345 days with him out of 365 days!! We have been through so much, but he has a son, a wonderful son, but a crazy baby moma!!! Now i usually stay away from guys that have kids, not because of the kids(because i love them) but because of there crazy mothers!!! I cant even have a good day without her acting crazy!! But now since im in NY and he is in NC its gotten even crazier!!!! I come home to day and get on my facebook and this is the message in my Inbox:

hey....im sorry to come at u like this but me and shaunte are getting back together and she feel insecure about me and u...so i dont know if i can talk to u no more.

Then I go to his page and this is the facebook status:

got alot of stuff on my mind....idk if i should work it out with my baby mama or stay with janae....i love u girl but i love her too

But then i realize that this isnt even the way he talks!!!!!
So I call his grandmother and aunt, and they tell me that she broke into his email and facebook account somehow and changed it all up!!!!

Then i found out she went crazy today and took his son away and scratched up his face!!!

I dont know what to do? should i break up with him or what? Is he worth all this drama?

Job Hunting in New York

There are so many exciting things to do here!!!! I was thinking about being a party promoter!! there a so many opportunites here for that and then there are personal assistant jobs, nanny jobs for millionares, Internships!! Im at a loss!

Life Chat

Hey guys!!! I just started a new group on google called "Life Chat"!! Its supposed to be a place where people can talk about there and problem and/or get advice from people with out them judging you! so please please please subscribe and tell your friends to!!

Subscribe to Life Chat

Email:

Visit this group

Family

I'm so upset right now!!! I had been living in NC for 5 years and the whole time, my family was always trying to force me to come to NY to live and go to school. Im up here now and its like i feel like im not wanted around!. I dropped my life listening to them. At least when i was down there i had people that wanted me around and wanted to see me. Maybe i'm just being a sensitive brat right now i dont know.

Michael Jackson Drama!

OMG................there is all kinds of drama going on all over the place about Michael Jackson.... this is what a boy on facebook posted about him

"kan sumone plz help me understand why erybdy is so upset that "Mike Jackson" died...this the same dude that was a ((MOLESTER)) 2kids...that hung ((WHITE BABIES)) ova balconies && tried 2 change the ((PIGMENT)) of his skin...&& neva wntd 2have sex wit a women so he donated his sperm 2have kids??? BUT STILL GETS TREATED LIKE GOD??? PLZ HELP ME 2UNDERSTAND!!!"

why do you guys think about this?

Lost in life!!!!

Right now im lost in life and dont know what to do!!! I have no job, no money, no car, no clothes, im not in school!!! My life has fallen apart in the last year! I went from having everything to nothing that fast! I wish i could put everything back together again but where do i start??? I'm in a city that I know nothing about, I have no friends what so ever here and dont know make any. I'm so used to that southern hospitality, but in NY ever person I try to talk to looks at me like im a crazy person. I'm about to just jump in the Hudson river!

Who? What? Why?

Hey Im Jae, im 20 years old (turning 21 in september! YAY!)im originally from Manhattan NY, but i grew up in a little tiny one exit town called Roscoe with my grandmother and grandfather. When i was 13 i moved to GA and then when i was 15 i moved to NC and have been there ever since until now. A couple weeks ago i had a nervous break down (witch ill probably tell you about later) and day before yesterday i hopped on a bus and left my whole life behind and now im in Manhattan stayin with my sister and nephew.

To understand the purpose of this blog you need to understand me, and i dont even understand me, so i guess you will never understand this blog lol. All i know is that my whole life i have hidden things from everyone about everything, because i was always so worried about what people thought of me. I never wanted anyone to think anything bad about me and never wanted to get in trouble. I want people to see me for me, the true me, not the person everyone thinks i am.